06-07-11, 09:17 AM
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John Bercow's off to Afghanistan| Sam Delaney | Comment is free | The Guardian
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Quote:
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No one seems to like John Bercow much. Labour don't like him because he's a Tory. The Tories don't like him because he's always slagging them off. Everyone else doesn't like him because he comes across like a relentless self-publicist who's more interested in making his own headlines than presiding over the Commons in the firm yet understated way speakers are supposed to.
He also seems to be attempting to establish his own catchphrase by persistently cutting off MPs in mid flow with the words "We are most grateful," which he says in a silly, Mrs Slocombe-type voice. And it doesn't help that his wife, Sally, has spoken to the press about how the couple find the glow of the Speaker's House arousing (no one wants to think of the speaker of the house in a sexual context – unless, of course, we're talking about Betty Boothroyd, who governed the house with a matronly allure, like Hattie Jacques with a gavel).
But perhaps we're all being too harsh on John Bercow. After all, it's not his fault he's a dickhead. According to a biography by Bobby Friedman, he was bullied at school because he was short and "afraid of wasps". Having suffered that kind of childhood trauma, it's hardly surprising he has sought to get his own back on a cruel and unjust world by shouting his mouth off in parliament by day, then making sweet love to his wife in its awe-inspiring shadow by night. And anyway, he keeps things moving in the house and doesn't tolerate tedious windbaggery by the crustier MPs. That can only be a good thing, right?
Not if you're David Cameron, who Bercow had the temerity to interrupt not once but twice during a debate with Ed Miliband at prime minister's question time last week. "We are most grateful!" he trilled at the prime minister, like Slocombe condescending to an uptight Captain Peacock over a mix-up in ladieswear. Even if you're not a Cameron fan, it did seem a bit disrespectful. Cameron regarded him with his massive face ablaze with fury. Bercow shrugged it off in a manner that seemed to say "Who's scared of wasps NOW?!" But it has not ended there.
A new scheme has been announced this week whereby British MPs will engage in a parliamentary exchange with their Afghan counterparts. First on the list for a trip to Kabul? John Bercow, who will team up with his equivalent in Afghanistan's parliament to teach him a bit about how things roll in Westminster. Coincidence? Perhaps. But mutual hostility is said to have existed between Bercow and the PM for years. This is just the sort of wheeze you'd imagine Cameron might conjure. After all, Thatcher used to send cabinet ministers that crossed her to Northern Ireland, so that they might reflect on their conduct during a year of checking underneath their cars for explosive devices. And Cameron does have a habit of taking a kernel of Thatcher's ideas and reimagining them in a more spectacular and merciless form. Well, either way, it sounds like Bercow's off on an Afghan exchange trip now and there's nothing he can do about it. It's certainly an intriguing prospect.
There is something eternally school boyish about the speaker's demeanor. If he knocked on your door announcing it was bob-a-job week and offered to clear out your guttering you wouldn't bat an eyelid. As a parent, the thought of him arriving in Kabul with his little bag, all nervous and lonely, fills me with a tearful sense of pride and concern. Picture him turning up at the Afghan speaker Abdul Rauf Ibrahimi's home: struggling to communicate with his new temporary family; flushing with embarrassment as he hands over the teddy dressed as a Beefeater that Sally insisted he take as a welcome present but which now seems so pathetic and inappropriate; feigning delight at the strange native dishes they serve for dinner, then secretly hiding bits in his napkin when no one's looking; lying silently awake in his unfamiliar bed at night, tears scorching his rosy cheeks, telling himself over and over again that it's "only five more sleeps till home time".
And all that's before he gets to the bit where he has to educate the Afghans on parliamentary democracy. Afghanistan's fledgling system is the subject of international concern after the prime minister Hamid Karzai made efforts to overturn 25% of their parliamentary elections. Bercow will ride into town billed as an ambassador from the world's oldest and most successful democracy.
And then he will sit down before the wide-eyed and eager elected representatives of Afghanistan and explain the rudiments of the first-past-the-post system, outlining how it has elected successive governments with a minority of the popular vote. Then he can get on to all the stuff about MP's expenses, to give a taste of the cultural climate in which a successful legislature can thrive.
And finally, if he has time, he can tell them a bit about the ceremonial conventions that are the bedrock of our parliament's enduring gravitas. You know, like when the Queen arrives for the state opening in a horse-drawn carriage, with her crown in a separate carriage, then prances into the Lords accompanied by a bloke who carries something called the Cap Of Maintenance on the end of a giant white pole. Then reads out a speech the government has written for her.
And, by God, if those Afghans can't work out how to build a modern, thrusting, parliamentary system after all that then, frankly, they don't deserve democracy.
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