Tyler Clementi: empty seat at suicide student's orchestra debut - Telegraph

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It should have been the night that Jane and Joe Clementi proudly watched their teenage son Tyler take his place for the first time with his prestigious college orchestra. Instead, his seat will be left empty for the Saturday evening performance of Beethoven and Berlioz as the Rutgers Symphony Orchestra dedicates its performance to the talented violinist. Mr Clementi jumped to his death in the Hudson river after discovering that his college room-mate had secretly filmed his sexual encounter with another man by webcam and streamed the footage to fellow students. Two other 18-year-old popular students, the children of proud high-achieving immigrant families pursuing the American dream in leafy suburban communities, have been charged with invasion of privacy and may face additional hate crime charges. Just over a month ago, the three young people had arrived at Rutgers, one of the country's oldest colleges, full of hope, ambition and expectation. Now they are the central players in a tragedy has prompted a national outpouring of emotion and an agonised debate about cyber bullying, online humiliation, teen suicides and homophobic taunting. In their first comments since their son's body was identified on Thursday, the Clementis broke their silence to add their voice to the calls for change and understanding in the wake of his death. "The outpouring of emotion and support from our friends, community and family, – and from people across the country – has been humbling and deeply moving," they said in a statement. "We thank each of you from the bottom of our hearts." "We understand that our family's personal tragedy presents important legal issues for the country as well as for us," the Clementis said. "Regardless of the legal outcomes, our hope is that our family's personal tragedy will serve as a call for compassion, empathy and human dignity." Tyler Clementi spent several hours at rehearsal on Sept 22 and learned that his dream of making the orchestra had come true. His fellow musicians noticed nothing amiss, but that evening he drove to the George Washington Bridge between New Jersey and New York, parked his car and leapt more than 200ft into the waters below. His room-mate, Dharun Ravi, was last week charged with two counts of invasion of privacy. So was Mr Ravi's friend Molly Wei, from whose nearby room he is said to have remotely operated the camera on his computer that was spying on Mr Clementi. The offences carry a maximum five year jail term. But the penalty could be doubled if prosecutors pursue the case as a hate crime because the dead teen was targeted for his sexuality. Mr Clementi was a shy figure who made few friends on campus during his first month. Relatives have not said whether they knew he was gay, but the torment of his sex life being displayed online seems clearly to have driven him to despair. Rutgers will hold a vigil for Mr Clementi on Sunday. There were angry confrontations on campus last week as students clashed about whether Mr Ravi's actions were a stupid prank that went horribly wrong or a crime motivated by anti-gay malice. The mood became so heated that gay rights protesters had to be physically separated from friends of Mr Ravi and Miss Wei. Yet this summer criminal charges were unthinkable for the two after they graduated from the highly-regarded West Windsor-Plainsboro high school in central New Jersey. He is the son of a computer technician; she is the daughter of a pharmaceutical company engineer. In the school yearbook for the class of 2010, the students – who were friends but not in a relationship – are pictured smiling broadly. Miss Wei, an only child, was described by friends as a diligent student, while Mr Ravi was named "best dancer" by his peers for his ability to break dance and was also a keen athlete, specialising in the long jump. In a message accompanied by pictures of him as a boy, his family made clear their pride in his progress. "Dear Dharun," they wrote. "lt has been a pleasure watching you grow into a caring and responsible person." Other pupils said the two came from close-knit families and that both had gay friends at school. Mark Lin, 17, who still attends the school, described Miss Wei as "probably one of the nicest girls I know". And of Mr Ravi, he told The New York Times: "I don't think he would intentionally harm someone. He's not that kind of guy. He likes to make people laugh, but not at their expense." The heart-rending developments began on Sept 19 when Mr Clementi asked Mr Ravi if he could have their cramped dorm room to himself for the evening. It is a common if awkward college ritual for first year students required to share a room with a stranger to ask for such privacy for sexual liaisons. Prosecutors say that Mr Ravi set up the webcam aimed at Mr Clementi's bed and then went to Miss Hei's room. He saw an unidentified older man enter the room and sent out a message from his Twitter account: "Roommate asked for the room till midnight, I went into Molly's room and turned on my webcam. I saw him making out with a dude. Yay." He allegedly broadcast the video via iChat, an instant-messaging programme. The footage would only have gone to friends from his account but it is not know if it was retransmitted to a wider audience. Mr Clementi apparently learned of Mr Ravi's actions, judging from comments believed to have been posted by him on a gay chat site under the thread title "college room-mate spying" on Sept 21. He wondered whether to complain to the college authorities, but then added that, apart from some occasional bad behaviour, "he's a pretty good room-mate". Indeed, at this stage, his tone sounded as much indignant and offended by postings on Mr Ravi's account as humiliated or suicidal. "I feel like it was 'look like what a fag my room-mate is'," the poster wrote. "Other people have commented on his profile with things like 'how did you manage to go back in there?' and 'are you OK?' and the fact that the people he was with saw my making out with a guy as the scandal whereas I mean come on.... he was SPYING on me ... do they see something wrong with this?" In another post, he remarked: "Revenge never ends well for me, as much as I would love to pour pink paint all over his stuff." And also on Sept 21, he apparently repeated his request to Mr Ravi to have the room for himself that evening. Mr Ravi allegedly sent out another tweet announcing: "Anyone with iChat, I dare you to video chat me between the hours of 9.30 and 12. Yes it's happening again." Mr Clementi apparently this time found the camera aimed at his bed, blocked it and reported the incident to a student affairs adviser. Yet the torment was apparently simply too much – the next evening, he jumped to his death. The horrendous case has focused American attention on two sometimes linked facets of bullying that are taking a terrible toll. One is the shocking spate of suicides by teenage boys who have taken their lives because they were enduring gay taunts and intimidation by fellow pupils. In the last two weeks alone, a 15-year old and two 13-year-olds have killed themselves after being remorselessly hounded at school because they were gay, or were perceived to be. And there have also been a series of incidents where young people have committed suicide after vicious and targeted online campaigns of online harassment. Legal experts say a similar case of invasion of privacy could be brought in Britain against anyone caught eavesdropping on a person's personal life. Under Article 8 of the Human Rights Act people are entitled to privacy, particularly regarding their own sexual conduct or preferences. Anyone infringing on this right by posting photographs or film of someone else's sexual behaviour online leaves themselves liable to be sued. Amber Melville- Brown, a media specialist with the law firm Withers Worldwide, said: "It is usually the media that are sued for breach of privacy, but cases can also be brought against individuals. In a case like this, where there infringement of the right to privacy was merely for someone else's titillation, there would be no defence of freedom of speech or public interest." Mr Clementi's death has sparked an outpouring of emotion and soul-searching in the US. Ellen DeGeneres, the talk show host who was one of the first celebrities to come out of the closet, has led the response with a video appeal that is circulating widely. "Things will get easier; people's minds will change," she says, staring into the camera, her voice breaking. "And you should be alive to see it." DeGeneres continues: "My heart is breaking for their families, their friends and for our society that continues to let this happen. These kids needed us. We can't let intolerance and ignorance take another kid's life." The Attorney General of New Jersey's Republican Governor Chris Christie is considering whether to pursue bias crimes legislation. "I don't know how these two folks are going to sleep at night," said Mr Christie. Whatever the motivations of Mr Ravi and Miss Wei or the anguish that Mr Clementi endured, the instant communication era of the internet is a powerful thread through the terrible train of events. Indeed as The Social Network, the Hollywood film about the invention of Facebook, opened in US cinemas this weekend, the case provided another reminder of how its influence permeates every facet of life and sometimes death. Mr Clementi is not know to have left a suicide note. Instead, he posted a final message to his Facebook profile from his mobile phone before making his way onto the George Washington bridge. It read simply: "Jumping off the gw bridge sorry".

So you let him do it twice and act all "whatever, no big deal", and then suddenly kill yourself? Well, your choice and everything, I suppose.

I'm also kind of dubious about this gay rights business. I think it's prett stupid when anyone from a minority defines themselves entirely by the fact (What would you have done had you been born a WASP, forgone having a personality altogether?), especially when the defining feature is so patently a random invention like homosexuality. Have you ever thought of getting a hobby, or joining a book club or something?

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I donlt think they do define themselves wholly like that; but the problem in when other people treat them as if it was their only defining feature. That is why it becomes an equal rights issue.

Some people do. I know plenty of guys who are gay, but for whom it's only an issue when they're actually having sex with a guy. Here I'm talking about the militants for the cause.

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I've known several gay people who were involved in those sorts of things and none of them ever defined themselves exclusively by it. The point remains that it is other people imposing it on them.

Originally Posted by Zichao

So you let him do it twice and act all "whatever, no big deal", and then suddenly kill yourself? Well, your choice and everything, I suppose.

Pressure may take a little while to build.

I mean, those descriptions ("lt has been a pleasure watching you grow into a caring and responsible person." "probably one of the nicest girls I know". "I don't think he would intentionally harm someone. He's not that kind of guy. He likes to make people laugh, but not at their expense.") are a bad joke.

These 2 were definitely the height of insensitivity.

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Well it was just a joke, it's not like they were aiming to have him kill himself. Loads of people would just have laughed it off or complained to the authorities. My response would have been something like "Feeling inadequate? Want me to do it again so you can take notes?" Probably the same trick has been pulled a gazillion times in other college rooms.

Okay, they probably should have guessed that this particular guy would have been sensitive about it and taken it seriously and everything. But it's not like they were rampaging through the school screaming "God hates fags", they didn't even know he was gay until they saw the film from the looks of it.

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I've known several gay people who were involved in those sorts of things and none of them ever defined themselves exclusively by it. The point remains that it is other people imposing it on them.

So have I. How come it's forced on them while plenty of other gay people just manage to get on with their lives?

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Originally Posted by Zichao

Well it was just a joke...

A malicious one.

I mean, had this happened to me, I suspect I could manage some witty put-down if anyone dared laughing at me to my face. But, OTOH, no way I wouldn't beat the guy to a pulp. That's because it ain't funny and it is a goddamn invasion of privacy. That's not allowed. Not without my express consent. Period.

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Originally Posted by Zichao

So have I. How come it's forced on them while plenty of other gay people just manage to get on with their lives?

Some people just don't want the hassle, or to be blunt, are just to cowardly, to defend their right to equal treatment.

Addition: the point is I don't think anyone is defined exclusively by these things. Not even the likes of Peter Tatchell, or feminist or anti-racist activists. To demand equal treatment isn't some weird personality disorder.

Suicides Put Light on Pressures of Gay Teenagers
By JESSE McKINLEY
Published: October 3, 2010

FRESNO, Calif. — When Seth Walsh was in the sixth grade, he turned to his mother one day and told her he had something to say.

“I was folding clothes, and he said, ‘Mom, I’m gay,’ ” said Wendy Walsh, a hairstylist and single mother of four. “I said, ‘O.K., sweetheart, I love you no matter what.’ ”

But last month, Seth went into the backyard of his home in the desert town of Tehachapi, Calif., and hanged himself, apparently unable to bear a relentless barrage of taunting, bullying and other abuse at the hands of his peers. After a little more than a week on life support, he died last Tuesday. He was 13.

The case of Tyler Clementi, the Rutgers University freshman who jumped off the George Washington Bridge after a sexual encounter with another man was broadcast online, has shocked many. But his death is just one of several suicides in recent weeks by young gay teenagers who had been harassed by classmates, both in person and online.

The list includes Billy Lucas, a 15-year-old from Greensburg, Ind., who hanged himself on Sept. 9 after what classmates reportedly called a constant stream of invective against him at school.

Less than two weeks later, Asher Brown, a 13-year-old from the Houston suburbs, shot himself after coming out. He, too, had reported being taunted at his middle school, according to The Houston Chronicle. His family has blamed school officials as failing to take action after they complained, something the school district has denied.

The deaths have set off an impassioned — and sometimes angry — response from gay activists and caught the attention of federal officials, including Secretary of Education Arne Duncan, who on Friday called the suicides “unnecessary tragedies” brought on by “the trauma of being bullied.”

“This is a moment where every one of us — parents, teachers, students, elected officials and all people of conscience — needs to stand up and speak out against intolerance in all its forms,” Mr. Duncan said.

And while suicide by gay teenagers has long been a troubling trend, experts say the stress can be even worse in rural places, where a lack of gay support services — or even openly gay people — can cause a sense of isolation to become unbearable.

“If you’re in the small community, the pressure is hard enough,” said Eliza Byard, executive director of the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network, which is based in New York. “And goodness knows people get enough signals about ‘how wrong it is to be gay’ without anyone in those communities actually having to say so.”

According to a recent survey conducted by Ms. Byard’s group, nearly 9 of 10 gay, lesbian, transgender or bisexual middle and high school students suffered physical or verbal harassment in 2009, ranging from taunts to outright beatings.

In Mr. Clementi’s case, prosecutors in New Jersey have charged two fellow Rutgers freshmen with invasion of privacy and are looking at the death as a possible hate crime. Prosecutors in Cypress, Tex., where Asher Brown died, said Friday that they would investigate what led to his suicide.

In a pair of blog postings last week, Dan Savage, a sex columnist based in Seattle, assigns the blame to negligent teachers and school administrators, bullying classmates and “hate groups that warp some young minds and torment others.”

“There are accomplices out there,” he wrote Saturday.

In an interview, Mr. Savage, who is gay, said he was particularly irate at religious leaders who used “antigay rhetoric.”

“The problem is that kids are being exposed to this rhetoric, and then they go to the school and there’s this gay kid,” he said. “And how are they going to treat this gay kid who they’ve been told is trying to destroy their family? They’re going to abuse him.”

In late September, Mr. Savage began a project on YouTube called “It Gets Better,” featuring gay adults talking about their experiences with harassment as adolescents.

In one video, a gay man named Cyrus tells of his life as a closeted teenager in a small town in upstate New York.

“The main thing I wanted to come across from this video is how different my life is, how great my life is, and how happy I am in general,” he says.

Glennda Testone, the executive director of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Community Center in New York City, said their youth programs serve about 50 young people a day, often suffering from “bullying, harassment or even violence.”

“The three main groups of pivotal figures are family, friends and their schoolmates,” she said. “And if they’re feeling isolated and like they can’t tell those people, it’s going to be a very rough ride.”

Here in Fresno, in California’s conservative Central Valley, groups like Equality California have been more active in trying to establish outreach offices, particularly after an election defeat in 2008, when California voters approved Proposition 8, which banned same-sex marriage.

In Tehachapi, in Kern County south of here, more than 500 mourners attended a memorial on Friday for Seth Walsh. One of those, Jamie Elaine Phillips, a classmate and friend, said Seth had long known he was gay and had been teased for years.

“But this year it got much worse,” Jamie said. “People would say, ‘You should kill yourself,’ ‘You should go away,’ ‘You’re gay, who cares about you?’ ”

Richard L. Swanson, superintendent of the local school district, said his staff had conducted quarterly assemblies on behavior, taught tolerance in the classroom and had “definite discipline procedures that respond to bullying.”

“But these things didn’t prevent Seth’s tragedy,” he said in an e-mail. “Maybe they couldn’t have.”

For her part, Ms. Walsh said she had complained about Seth’s being picked on but did not want to cast blame, though she hoped his death would teach people “not to discriminate, not be prejudiced.”

“I truly hope,” she said, “that people understand that.”

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