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Zichao · #1 (**permalink**) 01-02-12, 02:16 PM

Top five regrets of the dying | Life and style | guardian.co.uk

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There was no mention of more sex or bungee jumps. A palliative nurse who has counselled the dying in their last days has revealed the most common regrets we have at the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'.

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."

Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

Zichao · #2 (**permalink**) 01-02-12, 02:23 PM

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1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

It's not all it's cracked up to be.

I mean, sure, great, if you're into that sort of thing. Chances are you'd have just wound up feeling nervous and uncomfortable a lot of the time. Plus, you have to ask yourself who this you that you're supposed to be being true to actually is. Chances are, you got it right the first time, and the true you is driving a bus in Esher, rather than sipping green tea in an ashram in Kerala.

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3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

And if you had, you'd be sitting here thinking "Wow, I wish I hadn't been so loud and tiresome. Maybe if I'd kept my mouth shut I wouldn't also be regretting having lost touch with all my friends in point #4."

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5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

You can slag off vegetarians all you like, but no cow has ever gone to the abbatoir thinking this.

Gilles de Rais · #3 (**permalink**) 01-02-12, 02:31 PM

Mouais. Don't get me wrong, it's interesting. But I doubt that there is much clarity or wisdom in those words. They're just easy and, against the threat of death, it's easy to wish for things to be different.

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

But, on the spot, going for the easy/comfortable option is easy/comfortable. Pursuing your dreams might feel safe with Death five minutes away but 30 years of homelessness because you chose to pursue your dreams and it didn't work out appeals to no-one.

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

No worries - this one is being taken care of for us. Unemployment is rocketing up and/or people alternate period of flat-out work with total underemployment. It's not all joyous festivities, though, somehow.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

See 1. Making enemies pointlessly does not lead to a happier life.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Ah, this one, I agree. As a friend of mine said "women come and go, heck, wives come and go. But friends are for life".

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

I've read and posted about the "happiness as a choice". There's certainly something to it. But it still strikes me as a perversion to recommend ignoring reality/circumstances to hide in/create a happy place in your head.

Gilles de Rais · #4 (**permalink**) 01-02-12, 02:34 PM

Posted before seeing Z's replies.

psyche · #5 (**permalink**) 01-02-12, 02:36 PM

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

well i think it's a pretty amazing charter for a worthwhile life and you're both flippant boors :-p

Zichao · #6 (**permalink**) 01-02-12, 02:51 PM

It's mostly the "being true to yourself" and "telling people what you think of them" that I'd quibble with.

As an irrepressible gobshite I have wide experience of both, and it's not like you just say your piece and get on with life. Mouthing off/doing your own thing has consequences. Depending on how good your judgement is/how easily embarrassed you are, the main result could just be a bunch of conversations where you leave thinking "Hmmm. Well, that could have gone better."

I dunno. Is regretting not having spoken out more often better than regretting having come across as a complete arse at the Sandersons' dinner party?

Zichao · #7 (**permalink**) 01-02-12, 02:53 PM

If you want to look on the bright side, instead of regretting not having spoken up more often, you could congratulate yourself on your natural diplomacy.

Gilles de Rais · #8 (**permalink**) 01-02-12, 03:14 PM

Originally Posted by psyche

well i think it's a pretty amazing charter for a worthwhile life and you're both flippant boors.

I think it's a well meaning list. And I'll owe up to being a bit flippant. But boors? Pistols at dawn!!!

psyche · #9 (**permalink**) 01-02-12, 03:23 PM

Originally Posted by Zichao

If you want to look on the bright side, instead of regretting not having spoken up more often, you could congratulate yourself on your natural diplomacy.

that's what i'm doing right now... ;-)

psyche · #10 (**permalink**) 01-02-12, 03:23 PM

Originally Posted by Gilles de Rais

I think it's a well meaning list. And I'll owe up to being a bit flippant. But boors? Pistols at dawn!!!

ok ok. maybe i was being a bit ahemflippantahem